It has always sounded really pathetic to me when trying to explain myself and hearing others alike explaining themselves saying “I feel male, therefore i am male” I hate saying it and i try not to say it all. But how else can one describe it?
For the majority of people who have never had gender dysphoria, it sounds really strange. “I feel male” “What does that actually mean?” people ask and truth be told, i’m just as stumped as they are!
I just don’t goddamn know!
I’m going to have a try at explaining it in the best possible way i can think to at this present time.
It all started off from a very early age, as early as i can remember. I don’t know how else to describe it other than that i simply just percieved myself as male, i don’t know why, or how to explain, I just simply did. I wasn’t deluded though, i was acutely aware that i was different to other boys. I spent much of my childhood and adolescence through to now in my supposed adulthood feeling very much like a floating head without any real connection to my body.
Other girls around me were hitting puberty and were talking of their crushes, i still hadn’t even at this point developed much sexuality, my puberty seemed to begin at the very least a year later than the other girls. I was behind them in many ways, leading to being treated like i was mentally slow. When sex had started to become desirable to me I was fighting a battle with my brains automated image of myself, that automated image of myself being a male. I kept trying to replace the thoughts and images in my head with that of a female only to find that it would soon dissolve before i could even grasp it, back into an image of myself as male. I kept trying to perform these mental gymnastics feeling that i was, for lack of a better word, f****d up in the head. It soon became obvious I was attracted to women, so then “I must be a lesbian” i said to myself, it was the only plausible route to go down! I continued to try to defy this automated image of myself, an image by which i was very comfortable with, but this paradoxally also made me uncomfortable. It made me uncomfortable that i was so undeniably comfortable and even in my own way, confident, with the perception of myself as male. It didn’t make sense. Clearly, since i did listen in biology, clearly i was a girl! So why then, was my brain so immeasurably f****d up?
Throughout my childhood, before puberty, I used to have rituals in which i would pace and repeat a mantra inside my head “You’re just like the other kids” I’d look down at my arms, my hands and repeat to myself “This is my skin, my skin! it’s like any other boys skin” it was a way of trying to feeling grounded in my body. I had other rituals which all involved things in the bathroom, i carried on many of these rituals into my teens. But as i became more and more freaked out I started trying to force myself to stop the rituals telling myself i was deluding myself, still sometimes i found myself feeling numb in the world around me that i’d go back to one of my rituals and it’d help temporarily. Changes kept happening in my body and i was becoming even more alienated from my own body, I became withdrawn from the very friends that kept me grounded on earth, the friends i had at home, not the friends i had at school. Going to school was like walking through a portal each day into an alternate universe where i was suddenly in this school uniform which made me feel like i was walking round in drag. I became more than socially awkward, i became estranged from everyone. Yet i didn’t at the time, have the means to describe my world to anyone. My ritualistic behaviour soon got an added habit, self harm. I never hated my body, i didn’t/don’t like it either though. I didn’t/don’t look at my body and feel repulsed, i just simply feel no attachement to it. I wished only to be normal, still very much wish for it. Self harming wasn’t about hating my body, though i didn’t like it either, it was about hate towards my mind, a hate that my body wasn’t male, rather than a hate towards my body. I know that may seem hard to wrap ones head around, but what else can i say? It’s a very difficult thing to describe. No matter what i did, what i tried to not be a freak, i couldn’t stop my brains automation to a male image of self.
Thanks for reading