This blog is meant to be a place where I can try and inform people though i don’t claim to be an expert, I simply mean to inform people of what i have gleaned from my life as a transman, people can agree or disagree and search for themselves if they so wish to. I also opened this blog to perhaps help other trans men like myself who are feeling alienated from society at large as well as the political spheres in which target trans individuals as an ally. For this post though, I’m asking for your perspective, trans or not. I’m about to post to you a private journal entry dated 26/01/2015, in case you have gleaned by now from the way i write my dates, i’m british.
Journal entry is slightly edited:
I can’t in good conscience allow myself to wallow in this dishonesty. The harsh truth that the nature of transsexuality is still uknown (is it mental, is it physical?) can’t be suppressed and it pains me. Sometimes i feel like some sort of leftist experiment. I can’t for whatever reason, and never could seperate myself from a ‘male identity’ yet the unquestionable truth stares me in the face everyday in the mirror, or simply when i look down. I for one can’t abide the uncertainty, and with that i’m left with one question, how can I reconcile myself with an undeniable quest for manhood, when I am faced with the truth of my predicament? I have and do remain inconsolable in my quest for truth.
There is one thing i’ve never been able to, and that is turn my face blindly away from truth, i’ve never been able to back down from the quest for truth in almost every aspect of my life, no matter how painful or ugly that truth staring back at me may be. If something remains uncertain I place it in a box in my brain and i return to it when some other evidence comes to light that may relate to the uncertain remains in that box, if the connection appears to be a falsehood I place it back in it’s box and put it aside, if the evidence suggests that the remains are imagined then i discard them and if the remains fit the pieces of a puzzle then they stay out of the box in a more certified place. So for me the very nature of this transsexual experience is painful, on the aspect alone that I don’t know how this happens. There is only one thing I can be certain about and that is that i’ve felt this since i can remember. I fear the answers as much as i fear the uncertainty, still as ugly as that truth may be I couldn’t begin to stop myself searching for the truth.
Thanks for reading