Transsexuality is not seperate from sex

To deny that transsexuality is completely separate from sex is an absurd notion that the LGBT community like to bring forwards as a ‘fact.’ So what I’m about to say may be unpopular by the LGBT community at large, and many transsexuals may get their knickers in a twist at me.

As is the case with many aspects of human identity, it does all go back to sex in the end. Sure it feels much more than that; we humans often make things bigger than they are. But at its core sex is what it is all about. I am not suggesting that it is a fetish; let me make that clear before I continue on. I’m going to talk from personal experience here as my own experience is all I can go off, and I’m stating from that transsexuality isn’t separate from sex because of my experiences.

It is like my brain has been routed towards the ‘masculine’, I don’t mean this by asserting certain stereotypes of myself, though I could list a few, I mean it in the sense that my brain and body though not separate, have a disconnect going on. My brain pursues the goals of reproduction in a way that only a man can. Unfortunately my body is not aligned with this insight into myself. My brain seeks out women and it tries hard to find a way to mate with a woman, in every male sense. My subconscious makes me behave in certain ways, which then comes forth into my consciousness and dysphoria ensues. My lack of ability to ‘get it up’ because I don’t have the parts in the first place, seems to send my brain into an error mode of panic. In my now conscious state, realising the impossibility of my goal I try to rid myself of the notion, the instinct if you will, that I am male. I try to reprimand myself, thinking myself absurd and probably insane, into accepting I am a woman. So consciously I begin trying to imagine myself as a woman, to accept myself as a woman and to understand that any sex I have will be me, as a woman. My brain still doesn’t seem to understand. It seems my brains settings are simply MALE. I’ve tried turning MALE off to go to FEMALE, only to find it doesn’t work.

What I’m left with is an option to either keep trying to be female, or I can try to do whatever possible, with what I already have to try and feel more comfortable in my body, in life. I am at my most reliable, my most stable when I allow my brain the freedom to express itself, when I allow myself to do whatever it is I need to do to outwardly see a closer match to an embedded image in my brain. The image ages as I age too, but it never appears as female.

For the reasons outlined above I find it very difficult to get my head around trans men who are able to have sex in the female way. I.e. trans men who are penetrated y other men into their vaginas. Or letting another woman penetrate them with objects or their fingers. I can understand perhaps an initial experimenting, as its partially through this experimenting you learn your body truly doesn’t align with your body. I’m not trying to negatively judge these people, each to their own. I am merely expressing my confusion as another Trans person. Because gender and sex are so interconnected, I’m not sure how you can completely separate them. My brain simply can’t compute the genitals I do have. I can get pleasure but it has to be done in a very specific way, which I won’t go into detail about.

I understand that gender is much more than their genitals, I’m not implying that what is between your legs is the only thing that matters. But it is connected, I believe, since our brains are not some separate entity in which just simply resides in the wrong body. Yes perhaps our brains are wired towards the opposite gender, leading us to feel as though we’re in the ‘wrong body’ what other way is there to describe it? Language fails us when it comes to instinct and so we’re stuck describing it in ways that sound so confusing and damn right insane. This is why I never seem satisfied with any description I can come up with. Because there is only so much that can be spoken in body language and action, there soon comes a time when certain people in our lives need a verbal or written explanation. Whether that be a potential partner or coming out as trans to relatives and friends etc. Or simply because we demand it, as humans. As we demand explinaions for everything.


The male instinct to protect?

Is it lying for me to start off a conversation, or a post by saying “When I was a young boy” ? It doesn’t feel like lying to me. To some extent, there is some fabrication I can aknowledge, but from my perspective, from my brains perspective, from the viewpoint of my childs eyes, I experienced life nonetheless as a boy. How someone can describe what experiencing life as a boy means, is complicated. It’s abstract, there are no words. Every boy will have his own views and experiences regardless of sharing his gender with other boys. Atfer all, boys and men are not a hivemind.

But still there is something very boyish it ‘feels’ to me about my childhood. wanting to be about logic and reason and things it does irk me a little to only be able to say I ‘feel’ a certain way, with no proof. But since that is all i have, that is all I can go on!

Why I felt like a boy while inhabiting a female body, I can’t say. But I did.

The times I felt greatest when I was a kid, was when I felt grounded in a boyhood sense of self, that is to say, when I felt at my most masculine in a boy sense. I can’t rememer what age it began exactly, but I soon noticed a sense of ballooning up inside with an instinct that said “be gentle with the girls” when I was out with any girls, a sense of wanting to protect them. It was like something inside me grew to make me feel bolder, to calm me so that I could be alert. I remember these feelings, that I could never put words to. Especially towards girls who were smaller than myself. And boys, I felt a protection towards boys younger than me, though it was very different. It was like a brotherly type of instinct, though not related. With girls it wasn’t brotherly, it was something else. I guess at the time perhaps it was the beginnings of a boy becoming attracted to girls, but with an innocence about it as no sexual thoughts were related to it at the time, just the pure innocent urge to protect and be more gentle. This despite the fact, body wise I was probably the same strength as them, if not in some cases possibly even weaker. Yet so ballooned up inside this protective feeling had blown up inside me, I FELT bigger than them, It was being unaware of my own strength, or rather weakness, and as a result feeling even more gentle than I would feel otherwise. I remember that feeling, because I still get it today. An overwhelming feeling of ballooning up inside with a sensitivity towards the woman next to me or sat in front of me or what have you. A sense of wishing one could pick them up in his arms and cradle them, but then much more dirty thoughts pop into my mind, all the while still feeling a sense that I must be aware of my own strength (despite lacking it still), that I must take care even in rough play, to expertly be grounded in knowing my strength and being acuetly aware what would cause potential harm. I’m not suggesting I feel this for every woman I ever come across and see, i’m talking about women I get to know, women who are a part of my life and women I’m attracted to. Of course it’s the women i’m attracted to that the urge to lift them into my arms comes out, wishing I could lift them to protect and ravish them, possibly both at the same time.

Anyone who is close to me, man or woman can get the protective instinct in me rolling. But I tend to only notice it in the very moment of something happening, where as with women(women I like in a sexual way) the protective instinct I can already feel priming itself, just by being near her. Especially in the early days of just meeting her. I’ve also found the scent of a woman can make it stronger, if I i am sexually attracted to her aswell.

This isn’t a “Things that have changed since testosterone” post, because I’ve had these types of feelings way before I ever began testosterone.
They have remained since being on Testosterone.