The hatred of men

There is a negativity towards men that transmen have to face. I find it disturbing that so much of this hatred towards men comes from the trans community. I’ve seen it, i’ve felt it and the statistics of the suicides of men speak for themselves.
You will rarely if ever (there is always at least one i guess) hear trans man say such words as “I am relieved i’m not really a woman” because there is no relief to be had. Contrary to popular belief, women on the whole are not hated. You will hear transwomen speaking of their relief of “not being a man anymore” (Anymore? So you weren’t born this way?) or “not really a man” and i’ve obsereved this often said when discussing the so called vile nature of men. This makes me as a transman highly doubt the words uttered from their lips or keyboards when they say to other transmen such clearly empty words as “You’re a good man” treating us rather like we’re not really men, we are some ‘other’ better than men. Or you could read into it that everytime they call you man, it is an insult. It is insulting to their sons if they have them, their fathers, their brothers etc. But the good men, that they see as their fathers etc they are some ‘other’ too I guess. How can they sit there and call me a man, or indeed their sons, even if they do say the words “good” before the word man, when they have pigeon holed men into a category of sexist burtal monsters? (Please note I’m not saying all transwomen do this, but I’ve seen it often enough. They are just as guilty as many other ‘cisgendered’ women).

Sadly our idolisation of women leads to more hate crimes towards trans women. I believe that rather than it being hate towards the feminine, it is hatred towards what the criminal percieves as an ‘imposter’ not only are they an imoster they are ‘pretending’ to be the very idols they worship.
It is true true within society at large, and so more insults are thrown towards trans women with a level of disgust both distubring and deeply, deeply concerning.

It also makes me consider about the gender queer phenomenon. I am not a scientist, and I am making no statement here that I see as some ultimate truth, I’m simply inquiring.
Is it possible there are more genderqueer people who are biologically female? than there are biological males who a genderqueer?
I ask this question because one thing i’ve noticed is that it appears, at least anecdotally to me, that there are more biologically female genderqueer people.
And it makes me wonder, are some of these people FTM who are scared of transitioning into what they now see as the enemy?

Even people who do regard themselves as FTM, it all too common for them to express their fears about going on testosterone. Of course some fear should be felt, it would be abnormal for it not to be felt. But the reasons for their fear? It often comes down to such things as asking about rage becoming more frequent and intense, questioning it as if they’re suddenly going to go around beating everyone up. They ask about things, concerned they may ‘begin objectfying females’ or more or less become ‘sex addicts’ Of course if their priming their themselves to believe such things of men in general, they may well end up practicing a self perpetuating cycle whereby they will find the answers they seek, missing the forest for the trees. So paranoid about becoming a monster, they may become the monster.
In contrast you will rarely see MTF’s (male to female) asking such fearful questions about going on oestrogen. There are the usual health concerns, but none it seems about becoming potential monsters.

To observe the trans community, it becomes more and more apparent to me that there is a hatred towards men that permeates our society.


Transsexual issues becoming illegitimatised

The Information Age has oddly separated stereotypes of genders even more, becoming more and more restricted. I see young girls who are tomboys suddenly come out as Transmen. It is not for me to say who is truly trans, however with more and more people defining themselves as being somewhere under the ‘trans’ umbrella, I am becoming concerned.

Transitioning was never any decision I took lightly. It has been a painful process and still is. I have lost friends along the way, lost contact with some family members. Transitioning comes at a price, and the price can often be much more than you bargained for.

I would like to make it clear, for some people the price is right whatever may happen, since they would simply cease to want to even exist, if they didn’t go ahead with transition. I myself fit into this category. To someone who isn’t trans, that sounds very extreme, it sounds mental and illogical. It’s hard to explain how or why, so I’ve decided not to even waste my time trying. I’ve always been so obsessed with trying to explain it all, wanting to put it all in some logical box that can be easily explained. But the truth is I can’t.

I fear transsexual issues are becoming illegitimatised by people not fully thinking it through and the political correctness that is often insisted on in conversations about gender. But what I fear happens is, we only silence the thoughts they’re still having about it anyway. we wish to ignore such thoughts as we’re “mental” or “freaks” or “you’ll never be a man” we want to cover them up and pretend they don’t happen. But they do. All we’re doing is obscuring it and making it go ‘underground’ so to speak. And the more we cry about being offended, the more we react in emotionally volatile ways the more we push their beliefs about us. The more we confirm what they believe.


Transmen and manhood

We have been fed blasphemous lies about men for too long. Too many trans men who yearn for the testosterone running through their veins are terrified, of what monster they may become. Hearing of rage and indecent images of rape, they yearn yet they hate what they want. Many turn to feminism, a place where they can put their masculinity on a pedestal by being the exact opposite of what the feminists preach of man. “I am not angry, I do not hate women! I am here to break the patriarchy and I am man enough to stand up for women’s rights” they say and it is on the face of it a noble goal, but one to be warned away from. You can be for women’s rights and men’s rights alike, without being a feminist and toeing the line. And though you may scoff at the notion of men’s rights, know that therein lays the key, the moment, to which shows we do indeed need men’s rights.
So desperate to be labelled as a man, by the masses, they squander their potential. Toeing the line so they can keep up the image of their manhood, because manhood for them has become whatever society says manhood is, or rather to put it more bluntly, what women suppose it to be. This is not a slight against women, merely an observation.

But it doesn’t matter if someone should turn to you and say “you’re not really a man” whether that is a woman, or a man on either side of the spectrum of politics. People say this to men all the time, because to be a man on either side is something you earn. In their minds you may never earn it, simply because of the knowledge of what is or isn’t between your legs. But surely we know masculinity is more than that, by now.

You are mirroring traditionalist values, though blinded by the talk of ‘breaking the gender binary’ you don’t realize it. Is it not a traditional ideal that a man should protect his woman and any other woman from mere words? Is it not a traditional ideal for someone to preach under such campaign names as HEFORSHE? He for she. Man must once again come to the aid of the damsels in distress, for only men can, women though through one corner of your mouth are strong and independent and women need men like a fish needs a bike, and out from the other corner of your mouth women need men to come to their aid like knights in shining armour. There is nobody more traditionalist than a feminist in today’s first world.
It is the radicals of feminism that have the most consistency, they don’t trust men and so they don’t ask for their help. They simply hate men and want men to simply “fuck off” this makes more sense than preaching that too many men are violent, rapists, verbally abusive and too many have such big yet fragile egos they feel they can speak over anyone and everyone, but please, please men do help us.

They have got you hook line and sinker! They are pointing to you and saying “if you are a good man, you will come to my cause. You will prove yourself the good man among all the villains” You! Yes you! You special, unicorn of a man, such a rarity! But know that they will turn against you at the flick of the fingers. Know that they are merely drawing on what is already in most men, trans men included, the natural inclination to love and to protect women. You are not a special man in this; you are not special because you are a Trans man either. There is nothing unique about your love for women.

And in case you wonder, would I protect a loved one? My girlfriend, my mother, my sister etc indeed I would. I would in a heartbeat. I am not denying this. I am merely trying to point out, you have been told it is a unique quality among men and that through your insecurities, magnified 10 fold perhaps due to dysphoria, you have put your manhood into the hands of others. Your manhood is yours, you shall earn it for yourself, the others with their jibes about you not being a real man, they won’t matter for your confidence will grow and align with your earned manhood, that you earn for yourself, and you, you decide what you must do and who you must be in order to see the man you want to see

Readdressing how one ‘feels’ male.

I have penned many frustrating sentences trying to convey how one ‘feels like a man’ each time i try to write it in it’s most simplistic form, it has always struck me just how absurd a notion it is and never felt quite eloquent enough as a description. I’ve pondered the question over and over in my head “How does one feel like a man?” asking myself “How do you describe such an absurd phenomenon?

Tonight, as i thought about it some more it struck me that the terminology used such as “I feel like a man/woman” is a misrepresentation. But due to the appearances of that phrase being the only way to express it verbally, it becomes the go to phrase.

To say someone ‘feels’ like a man brings up the image of someone waking up on a daily basis and thinking about and attributing feelings to gender. When speaking to cisgendered people (I use the term here only to distinguish them from transgender) an often heard remark or question is “How do you feel like a gender?” and they will point out in their confusion that they don’t wake up everyday thinking to themselves “I’m a man” (or woman) it seems obvious to trans people why, why would they? If you have the validation of your body being male then why would you think to yourself “I feel like a man” you simply just be.
Just like cisgendered people though trans people (unless they’re the ones obsessing over identity politics) don’t generally wake up everyday saying to themselves “I feel like a man/woman.” At least in my experience i am not conciously thinking at every moment “I feel male, I feel masculine, I feel like a man” we do what we do and we just be. It’s an instinctual thing more than it is a feeling, the feelings come after the instinct. Like a lot of instincts it’s an automatic thing, but then when your body contradicts this instinct suddenly your gender is thrown to the forefront of your consciousness. Your body contradicts this seemingly ingrained instinct and the lack of language we have to explain it translates from our mouths as “But i feel like a man” Your body is not validating your instincts, your experience, or your instinct and experience are not validating your body, either way, it’s awkward and it’s painful.

Thanks for reading

What is manhood?

This blog is meant to be a place where I can try and inform people though i don’t claim to be an expert, I simply mean to inform people of what i have gleaned from my life as a transman, people can agree or disagree and search for themselves if they so wish to. I also opened this blog to perhaps help other trans men like myself who are feeling alienated from society at large as well as the political spheres in which target trans individuals as an ally. For this post though, I’m asking for your perspective, trans or not. I’m about to post to you a private journal entry dated 26/01/2015, in case you have gleaned by now from the way i write my dates, i’m british.

Journal entry is slightly edited:


I can’t in good conscience allow myself to wallow in this dishonesty. The harsh truth that the nature of transsexuality is still uknown (is it mental, is it physical?) can’t be suppressed and it pains me. Sometimes i feel like some sort of leftist experiment. I can’t for whatever reason, and never could seperate myself from a ‘male identity’ yet the unquestionable truth stares me in the face everyday in the mirror, or simply when i look down. I for one can’t abide the uncertainty, and with that i’m left with one question, how can I reconcile myself with an undeniable quest for manhood, when I am faced with the truth of my predicament? I have and do remain inconsolable in my quest for truth.

There is one thing i’ve never been able to, and that is turn my face blindly away from truth, i’ve never been able to back down from the quest for truth in almost every aspect of my life, no matter how painful or ugly that truth staring back at me may be. If something remains uncertain I place it in a box in my brain and i return to it when some other evidence comes to light that may relate to the uncertain remains in that box, if the connection appears to be a falsehood I place it back in it’s box and put it aside, if the evidence suggests that the remains are imagined then i discard them and if the remains fit the pieces of a puzzle then they stay out of the box in a more certified place. So for me the very nature of this transsexual experience is painful, on the aspect alone that I don’t know how this happens. There is only one thing I can be certain about and that is that i’ve felt this since i can remember. I fear the answers as much as i fear the uncertainty, still as ugly as that truth may be I couldn’t begin to stop myself searching for the truth.

Thanks for reading


Wake up! The left isn’t on your side!

Wake up trans folk! The left does not do you any favours, they do not fight for your cause. I can no longer pussyfoot around the issue, i make no apologies for questioning the left either.

The lefts apparent flattery towards us with the thing i think most if not all trans people want to hear, that we are who we are and we should be seen as the gender we say is our ‘preference’ is certainly appealing, but the theories they have do not match up to scrutiny. I am willing to give a benifit of a doubt that some of them believe they’re helping, that they actually do care and while their hearts are in the right place, their theories and their approach are not helpful to us.

The lefts theories (Feminism and LGBT crowds, I’m looking at you specifically) is has too many contradictions to be willfully ignored. The left seems to be inundated with the belief that biological determinism doesn’t exist. Believing gender is a social construct, while also arguing that transsexuals have the brains of the oppiste gender. Yea, exactly it doesn’t make sense. They also contradict themselves when it comes to gay people, because of course if biological determinism doesn’t exist then they’re arguably suggesting that sexuality is a choice, something they’re very often loudly proclaiming “It’s not a choice, they’re born that way” how do these theories match up? They simply don’t.
In fact their theories actually make the genitals matter more than anything else when it comes to gender. Because essentially we’re born with a penis and vagina (Without going into chromosomes, that gets more complicated) and this has absaloutely no bearing on our brains, our behaviour and our perceptions. So penis or vagina it has no bearing on anything like that at all, therefore the only difference between the genders is their genitals. Everything is, well thats just a social construct. And if it’s just a social construct, then why transition? Why not just construct yourself a new identity that matches your body!

Which leaves me with the right, they’re are correct about one thing certainly, the left are obsessed with genitals. But the right aren’t off the hook either, and actually in a weird way both the left and right come to very similar conclusions when it comes to transsexuals, it’s just that the left don’t realise it. See if we’re to believe the lefts theory that gender is a social construct then arguably it would be correct for transsexuals to simply go to therapy, a ‘reconstruction of the gender’ therapy if you will. Yes i get that they want rid of the supposed constructs, so to them transitioning is just like “Hey what the hell? what difference does it make?” Well it looks that way, but then they do argue it can’t be helped. So either they’re not being honest, or they don’t listen to themselves when they speak. If that is what you on the left really believe that “Hey what the hell, what difference does it make, lets get operations and be done with it” then be honest about it. Of course to me this doesn’t make sense, there is no fun in any of the procedures and it does to be quite frank with you, completely take the p*** out of trans people who are suffering from their dysphoria.
Going back to the right, they will argue that the genders are different in relation not only to the obvious, but also in relation to behaviours and interests etc yet they will bring up the genitals (Tries to keep a straight face at that turn of phrase) and the chromosomes, but of course there are so many complications when it comes to chromosomes. “It’s a mental illness” they’ll argue “They need therapy” and again i’m willing to give the benifit of a doubt that they have peoples best interests at heart, arguing that to have mentally ill people going through surgery and medicating them on hormones is ethically wrong. But of course many on the right also seem to have the belief that it’s really that easy to transition, that you simply go to a doctor and say “I feel like i’m a man/woman” the implication of this is that these mentally ill people get treatment willy nilly (Still keeping a straight face at that one..) when in fact they don’t, leaving a lot of time in between hormones and surgeries to think. Also in between these treatments it behooves me to say, they do get therapy! But of course to the right this would be the wrong therapy, since the therapist isn’t trying to ‘talk them out of it’ but they are trying to make sure that if it is such a case with a delusional patient that they can get to the truth about these delusions.

So you see the right and left in the end, end up coming with some very similar conclusions, without them conciously realising it. if only they’d just sit back and see it. But they won’t, i don’t doubt that.

Thanks for reading

How does someone ‘feel’ male?

It has always sounded really pathetic to me when trying to explain myself and hearing others alike explaining themselves saying “I feel male, therefore i am male” I hate saying it and i try not to say it all. But how else can one describe it?

For the majority of people who have never had gender dysphoria, it sounds really strange. “I feel male” “What does that actually mean?” people ask and truth be told, i’m just as stumped as they are!

I just don’t goddamn know!

I’m going to have a try at explaining it in the best possible way i can think to at this present time.

It all started off from a very early age, as early as i can remember. I don’t know how else to describe it other than that i simply just percieved myself as male, i don’t know why, or how to explain, I just simply did. I wasn’t deluded though, i was acutely aware that i was different to other boys. I spent much of my childhood and adolescence through to now in my supposed adulthood feeling very much like a floating head without any real connection to my body.
Other girls around me were hitting puberty and were talking of their crushes, i still hadn’t even at this point developed much sexuality, my puberty seemed to begin at the very least a year later than the other girls. I was behind them in many ways, leading to being treated like i was mentally slow. When sex had started to become desirable to me I was fighting a battle with my brains automated image of myself, that automated image of myself being a male. I kept trying to replace the thoughts and images in my head with that of a female only to find that it would soon dissolve before i could even grasp it, back into an image of myself as male. I kept trying to perform these mental gymnastics feeling that i was, for lack of a better word, f****d up in the head. It soon became obvious I was attracted to women, so then “I must be a lesbian” i said to myself, it was the only plausible route to go down! I continued to try to defy this automated image of myself, an image by which i was very comfortable with, but this paradoxally also made me uncomfortable. It made me uncomfortable that i was so undeniably comfortable and even in my own way, confident, with the perception of myself as male. It didn’t make sense. Clearly, since i did listen in biology, clearly i was a girl! So why then, was my brain so immeasurably f****d up?
Throughout my childhood, before puberty, I used to have rituals in which i would pace and repeat a mantra inside my head “You’re just like the other kids” I’d look down at my arms, my hands and repeat to myself “This is my skin, my skin! it’s like any other boys skin” it was a way of trying to feeling grounded in my body. I had other rituals which all involved things in the bathroom, i carried on many of these rituals into my teens. But as i became more and more freaked out I started trying to force myself to stop the rituals telling myself i was deluding myself, still sometimes i found myself feeling numb in the world around me that i’d go back to one of my rituals and it’d help temporarily. Changes kept happening in my body and i was becoming even more alienated from my own body, I became withdrawn from the very friends that kept me grounded on earth, the friends i had at home, not the friends i had at school. Going to school was like walking through a portal each day into an alternate universe where i was suddenly in this school uniform which made me feel like i was walking round in drag. I became more than socially awkward, i became estranged from everyone. Yet i didn’t at the time, have the means to describe my world to anyone. My ritualistic behaviour soon got an added habit, self harm. I never hated my body, i didn’t/don’t like it either though. I didn’t/don’t look at my body and feel repulsed, i just simply feel no attachement to it. I wished only to be normal, still very much wish for it. Self harming wasn’t about hating my body, though i didn’t like it either, it was about hate towards my mind, a hate that my body wasn’t male, rather than a hate towards my body. I know that may seem hard to wrap ones head around, but what else can i say? It’s a very difficult thing to describe. No matter what i did, what i tried to not be a freak, i couldn’t stop my brains automation to a male image of self.

Thanks for reading